spinal tap

13 hours away from Kevin's lumbar puncture. He more than likely has MS. What I feel is love & hurt for him. The face of 'death' has appeared again--I tell that face that I will be with him until 1 of us leaves this earth. I have witnessed his symptoms only worsening the last few months. The MRI films show multiple lesions on his brain & spinal cord. The spinal tap will confirm. My father has TM & now my husband may have MS. I simply just want to be of utmost help to him. I still feel so helpless when around my father. I hurt for him.

Hurting is loving right now. I reread this quote per Mister Rogers...

I'm proud of you for times you wrestled with your problems & discovered how much that helped you to grow. There is no normal life that is free of pain.

There will be more I am certain.

A favorite photo of K & me before the Atlanta Hawks/Boston Celtics playoff 2008 game.

3 days into September

I am waiting to hear about a potential job transfer. I have been waiting since July. My 'career' as a unit clerk is gettting way too old for me. I go into work with intentions of being content in whatever happens...but when I step through the door, my buttons are pushed as I glance around at the chaos, disoragnization, bustling staff...I like who I work with, but I am over nights & the work. Fatigued with following someone. I desire open & close-my mess to contend with. So I wait to hear about this transfer. I jogged today maybe 6 miles. That was all that I had in me. I was tired. I need to lose about 10 pounds. That would be great. It may take months to do this. Kevin left me a sweet note on my car when I was at the gym. He is just great. I remember this shot from our 1st Bonnaroo (2 weeks into dating)...I do believe that we were @ Radiohead.

Long time, No Write

It is Labor Day. It is the morning that Hurricane Gustav is slapping the Gulf coast. After 2 quiet years, the hurricane waters have begun stirring. India is experiencing flooding. China quivered with another earthquake on the same fault line. The weather reminds me that life is unpredictable. In the humdrum of daily activity, reality keeps twisting & turning. Kevin & I have been married for 9 months. I have been the night owl on the night shift for the same time. My body has changed as 10 pounds have been added because my exercising comes in waves, but my eating remains steady & excessive at times. Change. If I could I would. That's what I believe...if I would I could change. But I can. But when? So take it day by day. What did I hear a few days ago? There would be no mountains if there were no valleys.

Here is a photo of Kevin & I outside a music arena as we were heading inside to hear the Red Hot Chili Peppers perform. I keep forgetting my observations as I want to record them. I guess I need to physically transfer them to paper 1st.

Less than 2 weeks until we are wed.

Minute details are swirling in front of me.

Soon we will be aboard the plane to Italy.

So I leave with a photo.

wedding month

17 days until I am married. It is a dream to marry your best friend.

As I was jogging this morning listening to my usual NPR podcasts which generally focus on books, religion, & music, I found myself inspired to keep a record of what I hear that snags my thoughts.
Alan Alda was speaking about his recent memoir things i overheard while talking to myself. He quoted Marcus Aurelius--'confine yourself to the present'. I think that was it. Alda applied it to living in the NOW. Now is now--in 5 seconds it will be gone & of the past.
Making the most of your time here on earth is what comes to my mind. How often I forget when I indulge in self-pity, quick to anger, or lack compassion.

bookstores

It is Friday the 12th of October. Almost a month from the wedding. I have noticed my excitement building the closer the ceremony day becomes with each passing month.

Yesterday I shopped @ Mckay's (a huge local used bookstore) & discovered several books I had to rescue for my care. Most were classics including a 1st ed. of "The Winter of our Discontent" by John Steinbeck...though it may a 2nd ed. Collecting books particularly classic hardbacks is a passion of mine. Having just yesterday concluded reading 'Jane Eyre', I was hungry for my next book.
I feel like I have very little to write today. Truly, I am waiting for the clock hour hand to touch 4pm so I may leave this job of boredom & relish my weekend.